Chain promise- chapter 1

[Nykira]

Thank you^^

You're very welcome. ^^

[Kori]

Do you actually want critiques and comments, or just a dilettante's post?

[Nykira]

Yea would be good if ppl commented on it and cridiques

[Kori]

'Kay. Keep in mind that anything I mention is just a suggestion you may disregard if you do not agree.

"I heard her screams before I even saw her."

Even weakens your phrasing; it's an extra word that isn't needed and serves to play down the mood.

Her fear pulsed into me, waking me up to the reality of it all, taking me back to where I wanted to be with my friends, at the party but no she was there needing me, screaming for help, trembling in fear, I didn?t know what to do.

This sentence lacks any strength and leaves myself pondering how angst-ridden the thoughts and feelings are. It's like having a child, age six or seven, bragging about getting his first kill (which was actually just a spammed grenade) in Call of Duty; you're using big and feeling-based words, but they come across as weak due to their over-use. It's especially hard to concentrate on the story with the "shift" that occurs mid-sentence.... It's just very awkward.

Also, it's important for you, as a writer, to know that writing (especially poetry) is all about word conservation or, rather, not over-doing your thoughts. If I, as a reader, have to have my hand held, I simply won't bother reading the story; in the late 20th century, the literary arts went through a second transcendentalist movement where stories focused more on simple feelings and broad imaginings?simple sentences are simple, but don't disagree with someone trying to find depth.

You recycle your adjective very often. Expand your vocabulary. Read the daily newspaper, purchase a nice dictionary and thesaurus. Your short story won't be exciting if every character walks everywhere and says every line of dialogue. A comprehensive vocabulary can help bring your stories and poems to life, enabling you to better describe the world around you (be sure that you are using words correctly. Some of the alternatives listed in your thesaurus may not have the right shade of meaning or be appropriate for the level of formality. Look up the word in your dictionary to be sure, and, if in absolute doubt, use a word that you already know).

Throughout your piece, you use the same type of long, clause-filled sentences. While it is initially fine, it begins to wear on me, becoming uninteresting. Choose your sentences; a long sentence is not wrong nor a short sentence is right. Stories, despite what I've been told, are not about balance. It is, rather, about arrangement. It's common for writers to use short sentences followed by large, illustrative sentences because, well, uh, they cause the greatest result in the reader: a short little stab of honesty followed by the world is often absorbed easier than many subtle worldy references in large, arduous paragraphs.

Vary your dialogue. It's always "'Blah blah blah"' I did this". Actions don't always need to be described, don't feel the need to guide your reader to enjoy your story?they need to enjoy it themselves.

The story feels sort of choppy to me. I think this is mostly due to the sort of "skipping" and adjective-heavy tone of the overall pace. I think the best option would be a complete re-write with focus on more interesting and more delineative sentences. It could be great.

[Nykira]

Ok well for one thing I wrote this a year ago, so after that long I don't plan on changing it or even rewriting it.

Well I've read many books and reaserch stuff on vampires and things, this sentence downs the mood because it's ment to, well that's what I remember from when I wrote it.

Ok half thos words u used I don't understand, and I can't be stuffed getting a dictionary to look em up, yes I use emotional words well it's an emotional time, the change in thought which you called the shift is when the her mind goes back to where it wants to be not where it is.

What's poetry got to do with anything, Thanks for the history leason an the big word that I didn't understand, when I write I write my imagination on the page then I rewrite it so it makes sence then rewrite it again to fix it up before posting, that's how I write so meh.

Well as you porbly noticed I don't know all that many words, and yes I will expand my vocabulary as I get older but let me tell u something I'm not in collage I'm not in uni I am not even in VCE yet I'm only in year 10 and when I wrote this I was in yr 9. And why with the poetry I haven't even posted my poetry on here. I don't read the news paper thee boring. I do have a dictionary and the other one.

Ok sentenses well..... You lost me I'm sorry right long senteces well that's the way I write ok, I'm different and like to be, read my other two stories then tell me if they are different ok, the one with no name called street rats in the first stage of writing so it sucks but yea.

Ok yes ppl need to enjoy themselves when reading but I write my imagantion on a page can't help that they talk like that, cause that's wat I thought of then an I ain't changing it

thanks for the advice, the cridiques, the history leason and all the big words that I have never heard in my life. It's great that your instersted in helping me by sharing what u know, but I'm not gonna rewrite it. Also you should make your comments easier to read I'm not in collage or so on as I've said so I don't understand some of wat u have said. Most of the ppl on here are older then me, and probly understand what you have said more then I do. So yea

[Kori]

"Yea would be good if ppl commented on it and cridiques."

If you feel the need to defend your work, such is your prerogative.

[Nykira]

I'm not defending it, just explaing I don't understand what ur saying cause it's to comlicated for me

[Kori]

"that's how I write so meh."

[Nykira]

Hey ur using what I said that's not fair